How My Mother’s Death Changed Me.

Its been three years today since she passed away, I felt no grief, though I haven’t grieve since her passing. I haven’t even had the time to grief. Sometimes I wonder if it’s normal because I never felt normal, I don’t want to be normal. Is it wrong to feel this way? I felt relieved, not just because she was rid of pain that she suffered no more, it’s because of the painful past.

Before her death, I was happy, crazier, creative and love to socialise. The one who always saw the proverbial silver lining. This all changed in a few hours of her death. My mother and I never had a perfect relationship, but who does? We were friends, as well as family and definitely had our share of troubles. But, we always worked past them and never doubted that we loved each other. My mother’s house was the town gathering place for friends and family. The moment you walked through the door, the smell of coffee hit you first, followed by my mother’s smile and warm greeting of welcome. By noon or night, you would find people around the kitchen table drinking beer or Bundy Rum. All my sisters’ friends and my friends always come to see her, they looked up to her like their second mother and she treated them like her own.

When my mum found out she had cancer, I went into denial mode. Not about her having cancer, but about the fact that she would die. That last two months I spent with her, looking after her and nursing her, everything changed. She will never be there when I need her, she was the only person I can talk to about my problems, she never judge and she listened. I had a lot of thinking, I didn’t have much control in my life nor did I take control especially when I was in relationship. Her death has changed me, made me see the whole perspective. I realised my ex and I was not happy though I never thought he still has feelings for someone, I had to break it off and move on, we became good friends and are happy this way. I moved out of town, away from everyone and to start a new life. Not only did I become stronger and matured, I have thrived, I took control of my own life. I am not the person I used to be, though I am happy with who I have become. May she enjoy drinking with nan, uncle Bill, George and Gary 🙂

 

     

Here’s a poem I found:

My Mother seems so far away from me,
On that beautiful white shore across the sea.
Yet I remember love’s soft glow upon her face,
And the feel of her touch and tender embrace.

When I am weary from the burdens I’ve borne,
And the path is unclear and I feel so forlorn,
I remember her loving support was always near,
And her advice made the path ahead seem clear.

When I feel there is no one who seems to care,
Or when the heartache seems too hard to bear,
I remember how she always stood by my side,
And would tenderly wipe away the tears I cried.

When there are moments of great joy and pride,
And I wish my Mother was standing at my side,
I remember she saw more than I thought I could be,
And know I owe my triumphs to her belief in me.

When I reminisce about the things she used to say,
And I miss her and think she is so far away,
I remember what she gave lives on through me,
And one day I’ll see her on the shore across the sea.

Blessed be,

Cynthia xo